Sunday, January 19, 2020

Unapologetically You.

Henry Miller once said that the easiest way to get over someone is to turn them into literature, and that's exactly what I used to do with every post I used to write about my past. Nostalgia eats me alive, so I write with hopes that releasing my emotions online will release me of memories that hold me back.

But that's not what I'm trying to do this time. I'm writing about you to try and make sense of what I feel. And to let you know, in the event that you ever read this... I really like you. In the purest sense of the word.

I met you on the day I met Superman. Though I can't really say I 'met' you that day because although you were there with a friend of a friend somewhere behind me, I didn't give you a second glance. The only time I noticed you was when I realized you were good at my favorite 'sport'. I mindlessly asked for your name because I was in awe, but I honestly forgot all about you after that... until you added me.

We breathed the same social media air for a brief moment of time, but I never glanced at your profile or cared. That is, until I posted about my favorite video game. That's where our first conversation started. And many more geeky ones after that.

You're a gamer - not my kind of gamer, but a gamer nonetheless. And you're a Marvel fan to the dismay of my DC-loving heart. But you also love movies. And TV shows. You love them so much so that you can recite lines and scenes by heart. And you make side commentaries whenever we watch something - a trait that I used to find annoying, but that you somehow make endearing.

You say things that make me smile in a way that puts a silly grin on my face - the kind of grin that makes people ask me about it and then tease me to no end about it. But I don't even care. Because I had never experienced butterflies in my stomach before. I had never lied down on the floor before, just staring at the ceiling and wondering what I had done to deserve that kind of feeling. You make me feel good. You make my heart sing.

You're proud of your unconventional music taste - something I could only wish for myself as I only listen to Justin Bieber, One Direction, and BTS in the privacy of my own home. You sing out loud and you speak your mind without thinking twice. You're just so... unapologetically 'you'. And you're caring, gentlemanly, and sweet. Man, are you sweet. Or at least you were in the beginning.

Things have changed now, and I'm not sure why. I don't know if it was because you got what you wanted, realized I was too clingy, just got bored, or thought I had distanced myself. But I'm not good at matters of the heart. I never was. When I feel the cold, I shrink away and I never know how to fix it. I choose to write instead of to confront. And I put myself out there too much, which I realize can be off-putting; but that's just how I am.

I've spent the past couple of weeks in a drunken stupor with an influx of unwanted advances and every chance to forget; but I don't want to. Coz honestly, if I ain't feeling butterflies or getting a silly grin on my face, I don't want it.

Monday, January 6, 2020

Make time.

"Make time." This is probably the hardest lesson I have had to learn so far. See, I'm a lazy ass. That's no secret. I may seem super excited about something at one point in time; but then on the day itself, I find myself wavering. Should I go? Should I push through? Will this be worth my time? Do I have enough energy to last me through the meeting/event/party/etc.?

Newsflash: some things should be worth your time. When they involve important people, make time. You never know when you'll see them next... or if you ever will again.

One of my good friends, Loise, died yesterday. And it was so heart-wrenching, I had to take myself away from the world for a whole day. I found myself re-reading our past conversations and wondering if there was anything I could've done to help or prevent it or even just be there.

But that's the thing. People don't know that I'm that kind of person because I don't usually show it. People don't know that I tend to drop things without even thinking twice just in order to be there when people need me - like really need me. People don't know the worry that goes through my head when they don't reply or they show up late or they don't show up at all. What if something happened to them? What if they died?

I get angry when they eventually show up or finally reply because I worried myself shitless. That's just the kind of person I am. I would rather you cancel on me last minute than suddenly grow silent on me because I overthink to the point where my mind goes absolutely nuts. But that's what you do when you love someone. You overthink. You overworry. You overcare.

I have a conversation with Loise where I sprak-ed because he didn't reply and I thought he had died... and now he actually has and all of these regrets have popped up into my head.

The last time I saw him, he told me to message him on his day off so we could hang out. I never did because I got so caught up in the drama of my own life that I didn't even give him a second thought. I wish I had. I wish I had been more present. I wish I had cared more. I wish I had been a better friend.

And just because I don't broadcast to the world how much I care about you, that doesn't mean that I don't. I have felt so left out from all of the happenings surrounding his death. I've been pestering people just to tell me where his ashes are. I've called random friends that I'm not even really that close with just to cry and let my feelings out.

Loise was our ball of sunshine. Despite everything, he always had a smile on his face. He had the best stories. He had such a positive outlook on life. He was apologetic. He was funny. He was understanding. He was fun. He was real.

A few years ago, during what I now call Benz-time, he was the only one who tried to understand me and stood by me through it all. Not once did he judge me for my actions or decisions. If anything, he kept me going. He kept a smile on my face and pulled me aside to tell me that what I was doing was wrong and that I needed to learn how to respect myself and people's relationships more.

When I needed something for work or for my hobbies, he'd get it done without asking for anything in return. He'd help me get shit done for my rakets. He'd randomly draw me stuff to lift up my mood. He'd listen to every rant, every breakdown, and every petty little thing.

Loise was the kind of friend you don't meet very often. And although we grew apart for a while last year, I'm happy I was able to rekindle our friendship before 2019 ended and that I was able to see him a few more times before his passing. I'm happy we talked a lot towards the end, but I also regret that I didn't give him all of those Mobile Legends skins he constantly asked for.

Loise didn't deserve to die and if I could take his place, I happily would. What I'd like to remind you is to never take people for granted. Spoil them. Love them. Show them that you care every single day. Take loads of pictures. Make as many memories as possible. I wish I had.

Sunday, January 5, 2020

Our Story

You came back into my life at exactly the right moment in exactly the right way, and you blew me away in ways you had failed to do when we first met.

You read the right books. You played the right games. You spoke the right languages. You listened to the right music. And your persistence was admirable.

But as they said in '500 Days of Summer'...

Still, it had been a year since I had gone on a proper date with someone new; and you made it feel so easy, it was hard not to get swept up in the moment. You didn't care that I was utterly awkward, borderline alcoholic, and a massive nerd.

The familiarity was warm. The effort was real. The silence was oddly comforting. Your passion for the things that you care about was inspiring. You were refreshingly different; but in the end, we had a completely different set of values.

I will probably still think about you every now and then, but know that there won't be any romantic meaning behind it. I believe that everyone is a lesson, and you just happen to be my favorite one to date. You turned me into an unrecognizable version of myself that I didn't even know existed: vulnerable, patient, hopeful, and at peace (albeit also a little pathetic lol).

After seeing your true colors behind the rose colored lenses, though, I realized that you were never worth fighting for, even though I did fight for you - secretly and very fiercely. While you never gave me butterflies, you did give me hope - hope that after everything I had been through, it would be okay.

As I turn you into online literature like I always said I would, I am closing our story for good. But know that when people ask me about you, I will still look back at our time fondly for no one was as honest, as open, as straightforward, or as unforgiving as you.

"Eternity is hidden in every moment." Thank you for giving us our own little eternity in time.