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Saturday, September 27, 2014

Girl in the Rain.

I don't usually watch Tagalog movies. Mostly coz I don't understand them very well, but also coz I can't really relate to them or 'get' them. That changed last night.

Last week, I was having lunch with someone's dad and he told me to watch "She's the One", a Dingdong Dantes / Bea Alonzo / Enrique Gil movie, and intrigued-Anj went for it. Wrong move, intrigued-Anj. Wrong move.

floral dress and connector jewelry from Meisha Collection / black 'Whatever' flats from Forever 21

"She's the One" starts with Dingdong's phone ringing and on the other line is his best friend Bea, whom he calls *wait for it*… BOSS. But wait! That isn't where the similarities to my life ends.

Dingdong and Bea have conversations in the movie that I have personally already had in my life recently, with quotes that I have personally already heard come out of our mouths before. And their intense non-couple arguments are the exact same intense non-couple arguments that we have.

The harsh words. The vicious statements. The truth that we know, but don't want to hear or admit. Everything in my life within the past 10 months (sans Bea's virginity and hot young stalker) was basically condensed into a 1.5-hour movie in "She's the One" and I watched it with pain and resentment in my heart.

See, for the first time in 10 months, I watched my life unfold before my eyes (though with a much hotter woman cast in my shoes) and for the first time in 10 months, I actually saw what I looked like from an outsider's perspective. And I didn't like it.

Because of this, what was supposed to be a light and carefree watch turned into a question-filled nightmare, and I know I have no one to blame but myself for this. Like Bea in the movie, I know I chose all of this. I chose to be the fool and to forgive and to hold on and to hope and hope and hope. Because, well, that's what I do. I hope.

During the movie, I screamed "BOOM!" at the TV at least 5 times and I cried at least 3 times because I was reliving painful moments from my life all over again.

After the movie, however, I sat on my bed wondering how I had come to this. That strong-willed girl who once fucked emotions in the ass for a living was suddenly sitting on her bed blubbering like a child after watching a big, bad Tagalog movie.

What the actual fuck.

But that's exactly what I needed, I guess: a reality check. Glasses with the right prescription, so to speak. Robot eyes to show me the truth about my life that I had been trying to ignore and hide from my heart with a beautiful waterfall of hope.

In the movie, Dingdong eventually realises what a coward he is and that he's actually been in love with Bea for the longest time and, of course, there's kissing, and there's rain, and there's kissing in the rain.

I don't know if there's any kissing or rain in my near future, but I know I can't be the 'hilaw na girlfriend' forever.

Photos by Josue Faustino.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happy where I am right now and I'm happiest when I'm with him, but I have some insecurities that can't get buried without a label and I know I'll only deteriorate more and more the longer I stay here like this.

Let's just hope the strong-willed girl makes a comeback and starts slutting it up with those emotions again. Though, personally, I'd really rather just be kissing him in the rain.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Neverland Manila: Are You Ready for the Ultimate EDM Festival?

Neverland Manila: Are You Ready for the Ultimate EDM Festival?

I know that I repeatedly mention that I am a rocker chick at heart, but I also have those moments where all I wanna do is let loose and party the night away!

This year, I've been to two epic nights of EDM goodness, but the year isn't over yet and Neverland Manila is set to be the EDM festival of the year with hype about it starting as early as a few months ago and still not dying down to this day. As such, I am incredibly stoked for it!!! :D

Neverland Manila

Neverland Manila

Do you have your tickets yet? Will I see you there? Let me know! :) I personally cannot wait to dance the night away with my fellow EDM-loving friends. Are you ready for the best night of your life? I know I am. Just remember these two words: Neverland Manila.

Neverland Manila will be held on October 3, 2014 at the SM Mall of Asia Concert Grounds. Get your tickets before it’s too late at the Neverland Manila website (,, and all SM Tickets outlets nationwide.

Neverland Manila: Are You Ready for the Ultimate EDM Festival?

Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Unfairness of Life

Life is unfair sometimes. You love someone with all your heart and give them everything you could possibly give to make them happy and yet, sometimes, it still isn't enough.

I am one of the easiest people to please as far as I know. I don't ask for much: loyalty, honesty and occasional orgasms go a long way in my book. However, if you fuck with my heart - especially more than once - it's hard to bounce back. Unfortunately, contrary to popular belief and despite my usual smiley and perky demeanour, there is a lot of emo stuck in this lil bubble of crazy.

letter shirt from Strings Manila / glasses from Glasses Shop / skater skirt from Copper

Sure, you can promise me that one day it'll be better; that one day we'll get there; that one day I'll be happy; that the wait will be worth it. But I've been through too much to rely on empty promises.

Words are just words. How you act and treat me when I'm not around speaks more volumes than words ever could.

Aside from that, the future is never constant. Yes, I love you now, but if I keep getting played the fool day after day after day by Single-You; that love will eventually fade and I will resent you for longer than I have ever loved you.

And I don't want this love to fade. I want to remember how happy you make me feel on a daily basis. I want to remember the butterflies that I still get when I think about you and see you, even after months of having known you. I want to remember the way you look at me sometimes - like maybe there could be something there, after all. Just maybe. 

If there's one thing I realised today, though, it's that you can't force a person who isn't ready; but you can't wait around when you're being played the fool, either. Loving someone is one thing, but it's more important to love yourself, especially when other people won't.

Don't waste your life waiting around for people who don't think you're worth it yet and who need to be convinced that what you have together is worth the world. If it's a legitimate reason, like distance,then fine. But if it's because they want to have fun and fuck around, then let them have fun and fuck around. But don't stand by and watch while you writhe around in silent pain, wearing your fake smile and swallowing back your tears.

If they let you go without even thinking twice… if they choose that kind of life over you… then they never deserved you to begin with. Know your self-worth. Dry those tears. You deserve better. This is my current self mantra.

Photos by Renee Fopalan.