I'm not exactly sure when it started, but ever since I can remember, I always aimed for one thing in life: to win. I never really noticed this hamartia of mine until recently, though.
I was reading "Ender's Game" (a book that I finished in just 3 days) and the first line that I highlighted was this:
"I have to win this now, and for all time, or I'll fight it every day and it will get worse and worse."
vintage glasses from Four Eyes / dreamcatcher necklace and floral connector ring and bracelet from Quirkypedia / beige crochet vest from Forever 21 / dress (gift) / foldable bow flats from The Little Things She Needs
When it comes to arguments, I never back down. I hate admitting that I'm wrong, even though there are
rare cases when I am.
Winning is also the main reason why I find myself rooting for the Lannisters in "Game of Thrones". They may not fight with honour - whatever that means lol - but they are smart enough to win (so far anyway).
Seriously… I'm all about winning. This probably explains why Jeron Teng > Jeric Teng in my eyes. This also explains why I got so kilig whenever Carl Grimes said, "I win!" in "The Walking Dead" Season 4 Episode 9 yesterday. He is my new hero.
"I win!" is a regular part of my vocabulary. And whenever I want something - anything, really - I always tell myself, "I will win."
I once won second prize in an essay-writing contest in Thailand and I won a scholarship prize of Bt10,000. I never gave the check to my parents (I found it in my closet recently) all because I didn't win first prize.
Yup. I couldn't admit to my parents that I was only second-best, so I tucked the check away and never spoke about it. That's how much winning means to me. Cray cray.
And then came Prince.
I was being angry at the world, as always, a few days ago when Prince told me that "Life is unfair. We take what we can and we suck it up." "I don't believe in that," I quipped. "Never settle. Always WIN." And then Prince told me, "You'll never be truly happy if you don't know how to settle."
And that's when it hit me: I never settle. That is why I get so depressed sometimes. That is why I need saving most of the time. That is why my relationships with people - friendly and romantic - fail all the time. Because I don't know how to settle.
That is why I am so unhappy.
It's never too late to open your eyes and change for the better. Winning isn't everything. Life should include sacrifice and compromise every once in a while. It should be about giving your best and moving on and doing better when you don't get what you want.
This realisation may have come a lil late in my life, but I'm glad that it did nonetheless. It's time for me to stop being so hard on myself and on others and to be more optimistic about life, in general.
Who's with me? :)