Life is unfair sometimes. You love someone with all your heart and give them everything you could possibly give to make them happy and yet, sometimes, it still isn't enough.
I am one of the easiest people to please as far as I know. I don't ask for much: loyalty, honesty and occasional orgasms go a long way in my book. However, if you fuck with my heart - especially more than once - it's hard to bounce back. Unfortunately, contrary to popular belief and despite my usual smiley and perky demeanour, there is a lot of emo stuck in this lil bubble of crazy.
letter shirt from Strings Manila / glasses from Glasses Shop / skater skirt from Copper
Sure, you can promise me that one day it'll be better; that one day we'll get there; that one day I'll be happy; that the wait will be worth it. But I've been through too much to rely on empty promises.
Words are just words. How you act and treat me when I'm not around speaks more volumes than words ever could.
Aside from that, the future is never constant. Yes, I love you now, but if I keep getting played the fool day after day after day by Single-You; that love will eventually fade and I will resent you for longer than I have ever loved you.
And I don't want this love to fade. I want to remember how happy you make me feel on a daily basis. I want to remember the butterflies that I still get when I think about you and see you, even after months of having known you. I want to remember the way you look at me sometimes - like maybe there could be something there, after all. Just maybe.
If there's one thing I realised today, though, it's that you can't force a person who isn't ready; but you can't wait around when you're being played the fool, either. Loving someone is one thing, but it's more important to love yourself, especially when other people won't.
Don't waste your life waiting around for people who don't think you're worth it yet and who need to be convinced that what you have together is worth the world. If it's a legitimate reason, like distance,then fine. But if it's because they want to have fun and fuck around, then let them have fun and fuck around. But don't stand by and watch while you writhe around in silent pain, wearing your fake smile and swallowing back your tears.
If they let you go without even thinking twice… if they choose that kind of life over you… then they never deserved you to begin with. Know your self-worth. Dry those tears. You deserve better. This is my current self mantra.
Photos by Renee Fopalan.