If you're wondering why I haven't been blogging much on this personal space of mine, it's coz I started a "proper" job earlier this year after my miscarriage. I figured I needed healthcare, stability and more work to get my mind off of the angel that I lost.
Did it work? Not so much.
If anything, I was getting sick more often, my entire sleep patterns were out of whack, I wasn't spending any time with my family anymore, and I still thought about my lost baby every single day.
Star Wars Han Solo shirt from Forever 21 / distressed jacket from Tomato / boyfriend jeans from Forever 21 / black boots from SM Parisian / Gameboy socks from Iconic Socks
I thought I was working there for the betterment of my future and my daughter's future. I kept telling myself that every little bit of extra money would help us. But today, everything suddenly became clear.
Today, I woke up feeling unwell for the hundredth time since I started my "9-to-5" (it was actually 4am-2pm) job and stayed home. And then I did my When in Manila work - writing articles that I actually wanted to write, editing articles that truly interested me, chatting with people I had lost touch with this year, and bonding with my daughter - and I realised that money truly isn't everything.
What's the point in working somewhere if it doesn't bring you joy every single day? What's the point in making money if you're losing valuable quality time with people you love?
It's no secret that 2015 was my year of losing myself. After the loss of baby J, I felt like an empty pit and I pushed everyone away and tried to fill the void with useless crap. I gave up my blog. I gave up my time. I gave up my family. I gave up my friends. And for what? For a bit of extra money?
2015 so far has been a learning experience for me - full of mistakes, wrong decisions, denial and heartbreak.
But today I woke up and saw the light. Out of nowhere, everything just came to me and became unbelievably clear. I suddenly knew my calling and knew without a doubt what I had to do.
Coincidentally, I was supposed to give birth to baby J this weekend. So maybe this epiphany is my little angel reminding me to follow my heart. Either way, I'm listening.