Wednesday, February 28, 2018

You're hot then you're cold.

Found this note that I apparently wrote on Valentine's Day on my phone. I am proud to say I no longer feel this way; but these are the types of emotions that I think some people might be able to relate to, so I decided to publish it anyway. (Photos are old, too... obviously. Payat ko pa dito. Huhu.)

Do you ever feel like you're putting so much effort into something and not getting anything in return? Do you ever feel like you're putting yourself out there too much? Have you ever liked someone and felt like they liked you back, only to be taken aback moments later because suddenly you're really not that sure anymore? Have you ever liked someone who played you hot and cold at the same time? Because that's how I feel right now.

There are days when I feel like you like me, but then there are days when I feel like you're not sure. It would be nice to have some sort consistency, you know?

I'm not the type of person who likes to play games. I'm pretty straightforward. It's either I like you or I don't, so you should know whether you like me or you don't. And if you don't, don't treat me like I matter to you when you don't really even care.

It's Valentine's Day today and normally, I wouldn't really care. But today, I feel like utter shit just because this guy that I like has been playing me hot and cold. Some days, when we talk, it feels like nothing else matters in the world. But then there are days like today when I dropped all the hints in the world and he still didn't do or say anything to make me feel at least a little better.

When you like someone, you say it. You show it. You let the other person feel it. Life's too short to play games and waste other people's time. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't waste mine.

So today - on Valentine's Day of all days - I'm saying goodbye to whatever it is that I thought we had. If you wake up in the morning and realize that you miss me, it's your turn to do something about it. Because I'm tired trying to figure you out and running after you and trying to make things happen. And if this is all just a game to you, at least man up, admit it and say so. Don't get my hopes up. Please lang.

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Love over Career or Career over Love?

How convenient that I should find these photos of me working at Workplays just a day after I've contemplated my decisions in life so far.

I recently watched a Filipino movie - OMG, shocker, I know... but I've been watching a lot of those lately - in which the main characters struggle with the big question: Choice A (love over career) or Choice B (career over love).

Funnily enough, I've been a Choice B girl all my life. In fact, it caused the downfall of quite a few of my past relationships. How many times had I heard the phrase, "You never have time for me anymore"? Or "You're too in the zone, you're not even listening to me anymore"? Or "No matter how busy you are, it only takes 5 seconds to reply to a text"? Or, my favorite: "You're always on your phone when we're together"?

Maybe it was my fault for always choosing boys who didn't have any real career goals - boys who flitted from one job to another because they couldn't make up their minds and boys who couldn't keep stable jobs because of bad decisions.

Either way, I refused to apologize for being so career-oriented. I blamed them for the reasons in the paragraph above and I got angry at them for not understanding how my work life works when really, all I needed to do was compromise and find a good middle ground. I never cheated so openly the way some of my exes did; but I was never the perfect girlfriend, either.

I never regretted my decision to choose work over love before, though, even after I lost those boys one by one. After all, I told myself: work pays the bills. Work pays for my daughter's tuition. And work will never break my heart... or so I thought.

But it did once. And when I was at my lowest point, thinking that I might even lose my job because of my mental issues (read more about that here); I lay in bed at night, crying, with no one to turn to. And that's when I realized that maybe Choice B isn't a good choice, after all.

Now, that doesn't go to say that you should choose love over career, either. I've done that once, too - when I was young, blind and stupid. And we all know how things turned out with the babydaddy (read more about that here).

Perhaps the ideal thing to do is not to choose love or career at all. Choose choice C, so to speak. Choose your friends. Choose your family. Choose God. Choose your passion. Choose yourself. Choose something... anything, really, that has nothing to do with love or a career to keep you sane.

And when you create your circle of friends, make sure they're loyal and worth keeping. When you choose God, do it wholeheartedly and selflessly. When you improve yourself, do things that make you happy. When you stay at a job, choose one that you would love and fight for. And when you look for love, build it from a solid foundation of friendship and trust.

Eventually, finding that middle ground will become second nature to you and everything will fall into place. Tiwala.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Confessions of a Torpe Girl

Hi, I'm a torpe girl. I like to crush from afar.

Don't get me wrong. I'm no prude - far from it! - but a lot of the time, I only hook up with guys I don't really like. It's easy to talk to "regular" guys, after all.

But when it's someone I REALLY like? Geez. You'd cringe. One time, I was introduced to my biggest crush and I literally let out a piglet-like squeal and hid in a corner of the party for the rest of the night. Another time and another huge crush, I shook his hand when we were introduced and just didn't say anything at all.

Justin Bieber shirt from Oxygen / black shorts from Copper / glasses from Sunnies Specs / floral sneakers from Pony

There was even a time when a massive crush of mine walked into my go-to bar and I piglet-squealed (yet again), literally jumped up and down repeatedly in panic, texted all of my friends that he was in the vicinity, but didn't do anything.

Though that was a semi-success story in the end coz he eventually came up to me himself and we dated for a while - though, admittedly, my friends crafted most of my text messages when the whole thing started coz I iz awkward AF.

Sadly, when it comes to real crushes, I just don't know how to deal. Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a go-getter in the boys department.

Not too long ago, I told myself I'd change that and successfully hung out with someone I really liked. We Netflixed. We cuddled (after a couple of hours of me being awkward, anyway). It was nice. Until bam. I realized it was a one-way street. He told me he liked someone else and I was back to square one.

Honestly, being torpe sucks. It's so hard to crush on someone, get kilig over the little things, not know how to act around them, and just wait for them to notice and to care. Coz let's face it: a lot of the time, they won't.

So, for those asking why I don't just stop talking about my current crush and make a move... well, I'm just not that kind of person. Truth, be told, I'm so awkward, it's painful to watch and hear about.

Besides, it's heartbreaking to crush and put yourself out there and get shot down in the end. It's easier to just crush from afar and hope that they'll come up to you and pursue you one day. That way, at least you won't look like an ass like I do most of the time. :p

Hi, I'm a torpe girl. And I will most probably die alone.