Sunday, June 17, 2018

This was not in the cards for you.

Dear Syrena,

Another Father's Day has come and gone, and as I watched you playing with your toys in the living room earlier today; I thought about how we got here and about all of the decisions I've made in life that led us to this point - this point where, well, you don't have a father to celebrate this day with.

Before anything else, I need you to know that this was not in the cards for you, this not-having-a-father thing. No, Henry (the sperm donor) and I were very much in love once upon a time. Or at least I was once in love with him. We both dreamt of a beautiful future for you; but because of cheating and physical abuse (reasons you will understand when you're older), things didn't work out. And now we're here.



I used to feel horrible on Father's Day the first few years after I left Henry. I used to avoid this day at all costs and hate it when people pointed out that single moms should be celebrated on this day, too. Celebrated for what? For being a failure? But after you started going to school, I realized that I had absolutely nothing to worry about.

I still remember the day I walked into your classroom and saw the family tree you made... with Darth Vader's face pasted under the word "Father". I still giggle inside when someone asks you who your father is and you proudly tell them it's Vader, like you really believe it, like Henry doesn't even exist. But then there are times when we talk about when you were younger and you very clearly and obviously know who the hell Henry is. Did we build this Darth Vader defense mechanism together or are you simply aware that Vader is more of a father to you than your actual father ever will be?



If there's anything I learned through these past few father-less Father's Days is that you, my child, are so much more stronger than I am. I always worried that you'd feel a void in your heart and in your soul for not having a father, but all you've done is embrace all of the love that you do have and filled your heart and soul with it.

You never get angry like I did as a child. Sad, yes. Tampo, sure. But never angry. Your heart is full of love and kindness, the kind that I can only wish to have in my own heart and soul. And I have so many people to thank for this, all these people who have contributed to your beautiful growth: my parents and family, my best friends, and all of my exes... hahaha. All of which, like an expert, you never treated like a father. :p



I love you, little one, and I am so proud of you. This day shouldn't be for me or for Darth Vader or for anyone who helped raise you. It should be for you - you, who have proven that kids don't need a father to be strong and independent and downright awesome. I love you so much.

Love,
Mommy

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