Monday, October 8, 2018

Casual can get so lonely.

I was never a "good girl" nor do I pretend to be. I enjoy casual sex so much more than the drama that comes with serious relationships; but sometimes, I have to admit that that cycle can get pretty lonely. And so I end up allowing myself to fall for men I originally had no intention of falling for to begin with.

The casual hookups are usually pretty dreary if not downright disappointing, I must admit; but every now and then, I'll meet someone who truly blows me away in one way or another, who stuns me with the depth of their eyes or the signature way that they kiss or their strange quirks in bed or the passion with which they talk about something that they love. It's like seeing something I've seen before, but through entirely different eyes.


And then when these extraordinary people move on with their lives, of which I was merely a blip in their systems; it's like I'm left with a void that suddenly gets even deeper when I meet someone with the same unique eye color or the same quirk, or when I visit a location someone had so intimately described to me.

Imagine feeling that much for someone that may have just been around for a few weeks, sometimes even just a night. Imagine that feeling and then amplify it by a million. That's how fucked up I get after a more serious relationship.


See, I don't mind the single void that gets deeper when something reminds me of someone. What I mind is the million cracks that appear around that void that turn into even more voids. And the worst part is that those voids appear because of things that I had originally loved, things that I was originally very passionate about.

You share all of these private things about you with one single person for months and months on end, and they become a shared experience; and when they leave, you're suddenly left with this hate for your once-favorite movies, your once-favorite songs, and your once-favorite guilty pleasures.


That's why it's so hard to find joy in anything after a serious breakup. The things that used to bring you joy now bring you tears and you no longer have anything to hold on to. You have to build a whole new life without that extra cuddly stuffed toy that you would steal from each other on your bed, without that book that he read out loud to you stored on your bookshelf, without that playlist that you used to listen to before going to sleep.

And let's not kid ourselves: it never gets better. Certain songs will always remind you of certain moments. Certain scents will always remind you of certain nights. And certain places will always remind you of certain memories.

So how do you cope? You drink until you pass out so you don't lie awake thinking while staring at the ceiling. You kiss until you can do it with your eyes closed without thinking about the past. You date until you once again reach that point of vulnerability where you fall for someone without having intended to.


And then it all starts all over again.

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