Monday, January 6, 2020

Make time.

"Make time." This is probably the hardest lesson I have had to learn so far. See, I'm a lazy ass. That's no secret. I may seem super excited about something at one point in time; but then on the day itself, I find myself wavering. Should I go? Should I push through? Will this be worth my time? Do I have enough energy to last me through the meeting/event/party/etc.?

Newsflash: some things should be worth your time. When they involve important people, make time. You never know when you'll see them next... or if you ever will again.

One of my good friends, Loise, died yesterday. And it was so heart-wrenching, I had to take myself away from the world for a whole day. I found myself re-reading our past conversations and wondering if there was anything I could've done to help or prevent it or even just be there.


But that's the thing. People don't know that I'm that kind of person because I don't usually show it. People don't know that I tend to drop things without even thinking twice just in order to be there when people need me - like really need me. People don't know the worry that goes through my head when they don't reply or they show up late or they don't show up at all. What if something happened to them? What if they died?

I get angry when they eventually show up or finally reply because I worried myself shitless. That's just the kind of person I am. I would rather you cancel on me last minute than suddenly grow silent on me because I overthink to the point where my mind goes absolutely nuts. But that's what you do when you love someone. You overthink. You overworry. You overcare.


I have a conversation with Loise where I sprak-ed because he didn't reply and I thought he had died... and now he actually has and all of these regrets have popped up into my head.


The last time I saw him, he told me to message him on his day off so we could hang out. I never did because I got so caught up in the drama of my own life that I didn't even give him a second thought. I wish I had. I wish I had been more present. I wish I had cared more. I wish I had been a better friend.

And just because I don't broadcast to the world how much I care about you, that doesn't mean that I don't. I have felt so left out from all of the happenings surrounding his death. I've been pestering people just to tell me where his ashes are. I've called random friends that I'm not even really that close with just to cry and let my feelings out.


Loise was our ball of sunshine. Despite everything, he always had a smile on his face. He had the best stories. He had such a positive outlook on life. He was apologetic. He was funny. He was understanding. He was fun. He was real.

A few years ago, during what I now call Benz-time, he was the only one who tried to understand me and stood by me through it all. Not once did he judge me for my actions or decisions. If anything, he kept me going. He kept a smile on my face and pulled me aside to tell me that what I was doing was wrong and that I needed to learn how to respect myself and people's relationships more.

When I needed something for work or for my hobbies, he'd get it done without asking for anything in return. He'd help me get shit done for my rakets. He'd randomly draw me stuff to lift up my mood. He'd listen to every rant, every breakdown, and every petty little thing.


Loise was the kind of friend you don't meet very often. And although we grew apart for a while last year, I'm happy I was able to rekindle our friendship before 2019 ended and that I was able to see him a few more times before his passing. I'm happy we talked a lot towards the end, but I also regret that I didn't give him all of those Mobile Legends skins he constantly asked for.


Loise didn't deserve to die and if I could take his place, I happily would. What I'd like to remind you is to never take people for granted. Spoil them. Love them. Show them that you care every single day. Take loads of pictures. Make as many memories as possible. I wish I had.

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