Friday, January 22, 2021

Can I keep you?

And just like that, another week is over.

And I'm left with another uncertain span of time of loneliness and nothingness.

Whenever I see you, I feel like nothing has changed. We still share the same cynicism, bond over the same interests, reflect on the world we've been thrown into, and marvel over how well we work together.

And yet, everything has changed. We're six years older now. The pressure is building in my head. The loneliness is becoming harder for me to bear. And I find myself longing for consistency and loyalty and love.

If we're being honest, though, I know this is as far as we can go: stolen nights riddled with alcohol, silliness, and pure chemistry.

Because at the end of the day, our hearts are too guarded. Our lives are too far apart. And our trust has been torn into pieces by past loves and past pains. There is no space in your heart for me to sneak into, and no space in my life for real commitment.

They say "maybe it's not the right time" but we've already had so much time pass us by. Maybe "the right time" is intentionally avoiding us because this is all we were ever meant to be: a whirlwind of unforgettable memories inserted randomly into time, filled with passion and fleeting happiness.

Maybe one day, I'll regret not doing anything about us. Maybe one day, I'll regret not speaking up and asking for more. Maybe one day, I'll wake up and find out that you finally found someone who was worthy enough to be let into your heart and into your life. Or maybe one day, I'll wake up and decide once again to just settle for mediocrity over this stage of emptiness and loneliness like I have been doing for years.

But what I do know right now, in this particular moment in time, is that I would be willing to make changes. For you, I would be willing to try. I would be willing to shove things aside to make more space for you in my life. If that means talking to you more, seeing you more often, and ensuring I never see you in anyone else's arms; I would definitely be willing to do that.

I've been thinking about this more than I should. And I know it's selfish and it's stupid and it's unwarranted. But through the years, no one has even come close to what I desire and need and long for.

I've been resting easy telling myself that this is for the better - that when you learn all of the deep recesses of my mind, when you discover me crying in front of my laptop in the middle of the night, when you witness me beating myself up over the littlest things, when you hear me rage at my Switch screen or shout at a stupid character in a book, and when you discover how self-destructive I can become when faced with booze and parties; you'd probably be put off and I'd lose you forever.

I would rather take all of the mini moments that we share and stuff them in a little treasure box in my heart - never to be forgotten and never to be lost - than tell you this in person and scare you away.

I don't know if you still visit this little virtual space of mine like you used to, but the title of this post is where my heart stands and the content is where my mind is at.

A part of me wants to jump off of the edge of this cliff on which I stand, but crippling fear is holding my legs in place. And as I blindly search for a saw to chop my legs off to free myself from my myself - yes, that is the metaphor I am going for - I just hope against hope that no one dives in to stealthily steal that saw away or take that place in your heart that I've been dreaming of squeezing into.

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